FRIENDS.

Okay, I’m not saying that I’m anti-social or that I don’t have any friends. It’s just that most of the time I’m totally content to spend my time alone. I work by myself, the day job involves hours alone in my truck and on ladders, the writing parts of my day are better spent by myself, and that’s all perfectly fine with me. I’ll have coffee and lunch alone, fish alone, go to the gym alone and for the most part it doesn’t really bother me. Actually, sometimes I much prefer being by myself. It’s simple, it’s easy and there’s no fighting over who’s going to pick up the check. Whoever said, “Hell is other people” might have been on to something.

But I digress. The topic at hand is friends, not the lack of friends, and contrary to what I might have led you to believe I do have a very close group of friends that I’ve known since grade school. The four of us will call or email each other on a fairly consistent basis; we even get together every couple of weeks and pick up our ongoing dialog where we left off. It’s like this ever-expanding novel that grows larger with each passing year.

The thing with old friends, I mean friends you actually grew up with, is that they really know you, I mean really. They’ve met your family, hung out in the house you grew up in, seen how you’ve changed over the years, met not only your wife but most of the girls you’ve dated before her. They’ve seen when you’ve done something completely embarrassing and they’ve been there when you’ve accomplished goals that you’ve set for yourself.

Old childhood friends can also be like an extended family, and like family, whenever you get together you tend to slip back into the roles you held growing up. I know when I get together with my family I feel myself quickly slipping back into my role as the oldest son. When I get together with my childhood friends I find myself slipping back into my familiar role of that group too (that would be the wisecracking, goofy guy). We’re like members of an old rock band who get together for an annual reunion tour, automatically moving to our designated places on the stage, strapping on our instruments and playing the same enjoyable songs we’ve played countless times before.

When I was a junior in high school my family moved to another town. It wasn’t far from the town I grew up in and I was driving by then so I could still visit my old friends but I still remember it as being an incredibly strange experience. I was going someplace where nobody knew me; I had no role to play, no group I was bound to hang with. I could be whoever I wanted to be and I have to admit I enjoyed the experience. There’s something to be said about trying to create the person you want to be. But after a while I’d feel that tug and I’d find myself getting together with my old friends and slipping back into that familiar role again and enjoying the experience for what it was and is…something special.

The years blend together, jobs and relationships come and go. My friends and I grow older (and somewhat stranger). It’s all the same but incredibly different like a really good mash-up with something old and something new. Bonus points go out to anyone who can tell me who their best friend was in the fourth grade and whether or not you’re still in touch.
Enjoy the mash-up.

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When Friends Aren't

We've all known someone like this - they say they are your friend, but they talk behind your back. They suck up all the attention and energy wherever they go. They are always seeking favors from you (that's what friends are for, right?) but disappear the second you need help. They say things to cut you down (often followed by "just kidding!")

Why do we put up with these kinds of friends?

I can only speak for myself, but I think our desire to please and fit in has a lot to do with it. I remember wanting so badly to be a part of a well-regarded group (not popular because that was a little out of my realm, so "well-regarded", i.e., not socially outcast, seemed like a viable option) that I would put up with a lot to hold onto friendships I really could have done without. I think (I hope) I have learned a lot from the experience

For anyone who has reason to question if their friends are really their friends, here are some good indicators that they aren't -

1. You can't be yourself around them - you feel you have to act, dress, talk, etc. like them to be accepted.

2. They gossip about other people when you're with them. (A sure indicator of what they do behind your back when you're not there.) Worse, you find yourself gossiping more when you're with them, too.

3. They make passive/aggressive comments about your accomplishments, likes, desires so you feel like you have to downplay yourself to be more like them. You notice yourself moving further away from your goals.

4. Your self-esteem is tied to what they think/say about you. You give them power to control your moods.

5. They isolate you. You start to distance yourself from your family and other friends.

Any other warning signs you can think of?

Better yet, what are some of the qualities you find in a real friend?

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The Art of Making Friends

When I was a little kid (back in the 1880s), it seemed like making friends was easy. If you were a three year old at the playground and saw another three year old, you simply went up to them and said, "Hi. Want to be my friend?" And then they would shrug, and off you would go to play together. Then you would later return to your parents' side and announce you couldn't possibly leave to go home because you couldn't leave your Best Friend Ever.

But then, once you hit school, it was a little harder. Even in kindergarten, there's evidence of cliques. The paste eaters, the readers, the kids who can swing without being pushed. How do you figure out which people are likely to be your friends? But eventually, you figure it out. Someone shows up with a Hello Kitty lunchbox just like yours and it's the playground all over again. Best friends for life.

High school is harder still. By then, people have gravitated toward the things (and people) they mesh with. Sports teams, certain clubs, people you work with. And there's the subtle difference between true friends (the people you can call at 2am when your car runs out of gas on your way home from a midnight movie and give you a lift to the gas station) and acquaintances (who would respond to said call by saying, "Dude, do you know what time it is???").

One true friend is worth the weight of 10 acquaintances in my book.

College is a little easier because, at least as freshmen, everyone is new to the school. Unlike high school where most of the people have been going to school with each other for eons, college is fair game for new friendships. Often times, friendships result from dumb luck: getting assigned to be roommates, meeting someone who shares your sense of humor in your orientation group, etc.

What's interesting to me is that it seems that making friends in adulthood is sometimes the hardest of all. Sure, you have your work friends. And sometimes those are true friendships rather than just someone to grab a beer with on Friday night. But when you change jobs, those friendships often fade into the background. Same goes for neighbors you're chummy with. Once you move, staying in touch takes real effort. It's the whole proximity thing again.

Add to that the whole family aspect--parents at different stages of the game with different family obligations pulling on their time--and no wonder it's hard to build real and true friendships at this stage of the game. Is it okay to call them after 8pm when I finally get home from work and finish dinner or will it wake the baby? Should I ask them over this weekend or are they out of town for the sixth weekend in a row for their son's traveling baseball team? And for adults who have multiple kids going in 19 different directions all at once, when they finally ARE all home together, I almost feel guilty extending the invitation because they deserve some quality family time once in a while too.

It's the friendship conundrum. It seems that making friends, no matter what your age, is always one part luck.

Fortunately, I've made some wonderful friends over the last few years in our new town. Both fellow writer chums (who have become my friends in real life too) and neighbors who we still keep in touch with even though they've moved across the country. And I don't take that for granted. We've moved around a lot as a couple and it's a rare (and wonderful!) thing to have finally settled in and made lasting friendships.

That hasn't always been the case for us. In our last house, we were surrounded by people who were almost never outside. Seriously, NEVER. We never saw our neighbors unless they were mowing their lawn. Which isn't really the ideal time to stop for a chat. And the people we worked with were at different stages of their lives (or had vastly different interests) than us.

So today, I'm sending out some karmic love for our great adult friends and all the wonderful childhood friends who helped shape who I am over the years. Big smoochies to all of you.

What about you? What do you think is the hardest part about making friends as you get older?

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Built-in Friends

My family is just wrapping up a week-long reunion, and since this week's theme at the Cafe is "Friends," I thought I'd share some photos of sibling friends and cousin friends. The first photo is of my cousin Holly and me. I don't get to hang out with her as much as I'd like to because we live on opposite sides of the country, but when we get together we have a great time. She taught me how to wakeboard this last weekend. And those two crazy chicks in crazy hats are my sister and me. For those of you who read Miss Match, the friendship between sisters Sasha and Maddie is based on our friendship. The third photo captures a rare peaceful moment among my three boys. They fight a lot, but they're the best of pals. The one at the bottom is my husband and his brother right after they ran the BAM triathlon yesterday. They work together and play together and don't seem to get sick of each other.

Are you lucky enough to have a cousin or sibling you're friends with? Do share!

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WF vs NWF

Let’s get friendly! Yep, we’re still talking friends here at TFC!

Since I’m a writer, I’ve got writer friends. Some who write books. Some write plays. A few write movies.

Then I’ve got my non-writing friends. Soon-to-be nurses. Students. Future lawyers.

When I talk to writer friends about my work in progress or different aspects of the publishing world, it’s SO different than talking to my non-writing friends.

Here’s how it goes:

Me to Writer Friend: OMG! I’m getting my ARCs soon!

Writer Friend: Yay! That’s awesome!

or…

Me to a Non-Writer Friend: OMG! I’m getting my ARCs soon!

Non-Writer Friend: Your what?!

I’ve only been in the book biz for a year and a half, but I forget how much lingo I’ve learned. When I talk to my NWF (non-writer friends), I forget that not long ago *I* didn’t know what ARCs, galleys or copy edits were.

It’s fun talking to WF (writer friends) who are knowledgeable about publishing, but it’s also just as fun explaining publishing to my NWF.

So, what about you? Are the majority of your friends writers? What do you like about having friends who are non-writers?

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