Friends with the Opposite Sex: The Ultimate Debate

So this week at the Teen Fiction Cafe, we're blogging about friends and boyfriends and I'll tell ya, I had the hardest time coming up with a topic for this. I racked my brain for hours! (Okay, maybe it was only a few minutes, but any writer will tell you: a few minutes with no inspiration can definitely feel like hours).

And so in the end, I decided, instead of waxing poetic and/or inspiring with some clever anecdote about my most influential friendship or the worst boyfriend I ever had (and trust me, I could go on for a while about that one), I decided I would pose a question instead. Primarily because I'm interested in what others have to say about this and also, to be perfectly honest, because I'm feeling just a little bit uninspired about the blogging thing right now.

So here's the question:

When in a relationship, can you or can you not be friends with someone of the opposite sex?

And let's take that a step further...can you or can you not be good friends with someone of the opposite sex? How about besties?

I'm in a committed relationship and have a few good friends who are guys. I wouldn't call them best friends, but I'd definitely call them close friends. And my hubby has assured me that he's fine with it. And likewise, he has a few friends that are female, one of which, is the girl who introduced us. And they've known each other for much longer than I've known either of them so I've always looked at is as, "If something was going to happen between them, it would have already."

But then again, I've been in relationships before where I couldn't stand the fact that my boyfriend had female friends, so perhaps it just depends on the relationship.

My uncle is a relationship therapist and I once posed this very question to him and he said, (quite adamantly, I might add) "No. It shouldn't be done. Once you enter a committed relationship, you must sever ties with all friends of the opposite sex." He did go on to clarify that he meant friends who are not friends of the couple. Friends who are only friends of one of the members of the couple.

This always felt a little extreme to me. I think there are circumstances where you can have perfectly platonic, harmless opposite-sex friends outside of your relationship, but what are those circumstances? Or what are they for you? As I trust everyone is different.

So, in the end, my one question actually turned into several. But would still love to hear what everyone else thinks about this relationship hot topic.

And just for fun (and for those too lazy to comment), here's a poll on the issue:

customer surveys

Tweet

The Staying Power of Best Friends

Oprah and Gayle King, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox Arnette ...

They're best friends and have been for quite some time. So what makes a friendship last?

Sure, it can be nice to have things in common, especially at first. For example, some of my best friends are authors, others are moms, and others work out at the same gym or go to the same church. Then again, some can't write their own Christmas cards, some don't have and never want kids, some have never stepped foot into a gym, and others are a different religion or atheist.

Mencius defines friendship as "one mind in two bodies." I have to disagree. I don't want to be best friends with someone who's exactly like me, who has the same ideas and inspirations and opinions and talents and dreams. Talk about boring! Instead, I like to surround myself with people who are different than me, who see the world in a unique way and help me to expand my mind.

So how would I describe a best friend, someone who will remain a friend for years to come? It's someone I can be my true self around, and someone I truly enjoy being with. Like Megan, my friend for 15 years, who when I say, "I'd love to come over for a glass of wine but I've got to make dinner for my family," says, "Get your butt over here. I have a fridge full of left-overs you can reheat and no one will know the difference." Like Tonya, who I've known for 25 years, and every time I'm back in Denver, she drops everything to see me, even if for a half-hour. And like Christina (pictured in the red shirt, and I've known for 15 years), who can tell if something is wrong behind my biggest smile.

What are the reasons you and your best friend(s) have stayed tight for so long?

Tweet

Love The One You're With-?

So this week at the café we’re talking about friends and/or boyfriends—which often times, or at least in my case anyway, becomes the same thing.

I can honestly say, that while the bulk of my romantic relationships didn’t end up going the distance, nearly all of them resulted in some really nice friendships (please note, I wrote nearly—there are definite exceptions to this!).

And yet not one of those relationships started as a friendship. They pretty much followed my usual course of initial spark to burning flame to complete and total burn-out to a friendship that while nice, had no lingering smolder or sizzle (or at least not on my part anyway). Which is funny because I’ve written quite a few books where the couple in question start out as either friends or disliking each other entirely, and even though I love the idea of not realizing that the love you’ve been searching for has been right there in front of you all along, it’s never, not once, happened to me.

Which leads me to wonder—has it happened to you? Or is this just the stuff of books and movies?

Sing it out in the comments!

Tweet

Soul Mates

I was never a rabid Sex and the City fan, but I do recall one episode when Carrie wonders . . . is it the girlfriends in our lives who are our soulmates?

I've had some great boyfriends, and not so great ones. I've had those crazy, insane loves . . . and a gut-wrenching divorce. Ups and downs and ins and outs . . . the men in my life have been an assortment of different types.

But my best girlfriend . . . she's been there forever, it seems.

She is the one who can finish my sentences. She's the one who somehow manages to find the perfect gift for me--the thoughtful one no one else will have come up with (such as an anniversary edition of The Little Prince, my favorite book).

She's the one I called when I woke up the night before my daughter's seventh birthday party in agonizing pain from Crohn's disease . . . and the one I swore to secrecy because I didn't want my daughter to remember her seventh birthday as the one Mommy had to cancel . . . and my best friend was the one who came and THREW the party for 12 little girls and painted their nails and did crafts with them because I couldn't get out of bed. And then she was the one who made sure I went to the hospital when it was all over.

She's the one who makes me laugh and the one who gets to listen to me cry on those very rare occasions. She's the one I send pictures of my latest celebrity crush to.

She's my soul mate. She gets me like no one else. It doesn't necessarily make sense. I have four kids, she has none and has never married. She has had blue hair, red hair, platinum hair, pink hair, fuscia . . . I held her hand when she pierced her nose last year. Our lives are very different. I'm not sure what she sees in me--I guess I'd have to ask her. I've taught her how to play poker and I know I make her laugh. And my parents say she is their 4th daughter.

Somehow . . . it works, this friendship.

But then . . . that's the point of soul mates anyway. You don't get to pick them. The Universe does it for you.

So . . . who's your best friend? And what makes that friendship so special?

Tweet