The spontaneous summer ice cream cone, the rainy spring weekends spent baking, stress-free celebratory meals...these are all things of the past for me. Not that I don't ever indulge, but when I do the moment is accompanied by anxiety and guilt and fear and a host of other such lovely emotions. And when I smell my husband's bowl of pasta next to me, or see someone tearing into a fresh baguette, or read another blog post about cupcakes...well, sometimes? I want to scream. And possibly hit people. In fact, just writing about it right now is kind of priming the old tear ducts. I start thinking about how I'll live the rest of my life without the kind of freedom other people seem to have about food.
But the honest, honest truth? The spontaneous summer ice cream cone, the rainy spring weekends spent baking, stress-free celebratory meals were NEVER part of my life. I've had a disordered relationship with food since childhood, and a spontaneous summer ice cream cone almost always led to the secret pint. The rainy spring weekend baking wound up with me wondering why my cookie recipe didn't yield the promised three dozen...or did it, and I ate more than I thought? The celebratory meal always involved an ongoing silent narrative: will people notice if I get up for another serving of this or that, how can I get that last scoop of macaroni and cheese before my cousin does, I wonder if one of those brownies will fit into the pocket of my cardigan. Et. Cet. Era.
So, on my better days, I see diabetes as this incredible gift. It puts a clear and serious boundary around food that can't be rationalized away. Eat food A, test blood sugar, see level X, and I've got indisputable evidence that it's negatively affecting my body. When faced with food choices, now I don't have to think about it that hard or weigh all the pros and cons. I can usually just say to myself, I don't eat that. I don't want my feet to fall of or to drop dead of a stroke at 45, thanks. Other days another voice talks back and says SCREW IT, ZARR, but the slippery slope isn't very steep anymore. I can't go too far down without feeling what it's doing to me and that motivates me to go back to doing what's going to make me feel best.
I don't want to put a damper on food week! I'm all for people with healthy pancreases having a joyful and free relationship with food, eating intuitively, and having treats. Yay, treats! And I still have treats that I get to enjoy regularly without guilt or consequences: 77% cocoa chocolate in reasonable quantities (my favorite is this Chocolove bar), expensive fancy cheeses, roasted nuts, a glass of yummy red wine every night. And, I've been experimenting more with weirdo low carb recipes like biscuits made with coconut flour and rice made out of cauliflower. (Better than it sounds. But, let's face it, not as good as rice.)
That's where I'm at with food right now. What are your food issues? Issues, anyone? Issues?